Cooking the books

Cooking the books

While I’ve been stuck here back at the flat, I’ve taken to having a bit of a poke around. Sure, every seabird knows that you have to reconnoitre your surroundings. I’m not being nosy. Well, only a little.

Seamus the Seagull standing in front of bookshelf full of cookery books

Look what I found! This is just a small part of His Lordship’s cookery book collection. It has certainly helped to alleviate the monotony of my days on the window sill. And reading these books gave me a fantastic idea. Although the Oldies have more or less abandoned me at the moment, I have to say that I had a great time with them during the past few months of chaotic travelling. It is time for me to give something back.

Now, Her Ladyship cannot cook to save her life. That’s a well-known fact. (Well, it is now. Now that I’ve broadcast it to the world. Ooops, sorry!) Anyway, I’ve been studying the books carefully and I reckon that this cooking lark can’t be all that hard. So, seeing that His Lordship has not much time to exercise his culinary skills at the moment, I thought I might surprise Her Ladyship and feed her myself.

Introducing…. Seamus the Chef!

Seamul the Seagull dressed as chef with checked trousers and chef's hat and green apron standing, cookery books in background, bowl with spoon in it and miniature grater

Now, when it comes to cooking, I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. It can’t be all that difficult, especially if you just make a few modifications here and there. Like actually cooking the food. No need for that! If we seagulls can eat everything raw, then so can you lot too.

My first idea was to start with something simple like a seaweed sandwich or suchlike. But apparently seaweed is not all that easy to come by in landlocked Austria. So I’ve pulled out all the stops and come up with this little creation which I call Hereng à l’autrichienne (I’ve noticed from the books that everything culinary sounds so much better in French), served with plenty of petits pois congelés (told you it sounds better in French). That’s frozen peas, by the way. Left frozen, they glide down the throat a treat! The dish is completed by a decent portion of pâtes sèches (dried pasta). I don’t see the point in going to all that trouble of boiling the pasta. What are all those digestive juices for anyway? Let’s allow our tummies do a bit more of the work, I say!

I hope you all take note of my beautiful presentation. I’m particularly proud of the avian theme.

Seamus the Seagull standing on table set with knife, fork, serviette, wine glass, lit candle in silver candlestick, bottle of red wine with bird on label, food on plate consisting of frozen peas, pickled herrings and uncooked pasta

Her Ladyship’s reaction was reward enough for all my efforts. You should have seen the expression on her face! Her eyes were wide with surprise and filled with I took to be tears of joy. And she was speechless – for once. In fact, she was so excited and delighted that I had prepared this wonderful dish for her, she could hardly eat (though she had no problem drinking the wine, I noticed). She did manage to suck on a few of the peas, declaring them ‘delicious’ and then she generously let me finish off the leftovers. She was right. It was truly delicious, even if I say so myself.

I think that this could be the start of a great new career for me. His Lordship might soon be hanging up his apron for good…

Unfortunately, and in spite of the fact that it is mid-December, Her Ladyship has suddenly decided that the flat could do with a spring cleaning. She’s been at it for days, and now, for some reason, I cannot find a cookery book anywhere. She’s given me a bit of light reading to keep me occupied in the meantime though.

Seamus the Seagull peeking out from behind copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare, beside him stacked copies of James Joyce compilation, A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth and The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde

Right.

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